An Answer

Not an answer from Los Angeles, since I'm beginning to think I'll see a squadron of pigs fly past my window on final approach to the airport, but a more general answer to a question that puzzles me: yes, there are actually people - real human beings - working in the government immigration services. They aren't just whole buildings populated by computers sending automated replies. 

I had found, a couple of weeks ago, on the information goldmine that is BritishExpats.com, a phone number for the Regional Medical Office in Ottawa. Having received no reply from my last enquiry to Los Angeles, I rang the number this morning. The forum above described the lady on the end of the phone as 'nice'. It must have been a different lady since she scolded me for ringing what wasn't a public number. Here's a helpful hint: don't have a phone if you don't want the public to contact you. After all, the immigration section in Los Angeles have taken that approach. After I finally managed to persuade her there was no way to contact CIC LA, she asked "why don't you email them?" 

Me, inwardly: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA".

Me, on the phone: "they don't respond to them".

After giving her my file number and clientID, I told her all I wanted was confirmation they received the results, and an indication of whether they had processed them. "We sent the results to Los Angeles months ago. They were processed fairly soon after receipt". This corroborates another one of my faceless immigration contacts on trackitt.com (the thing i post screenshots of), who got exactly the same reply today from his/her immigration doctor, who had presumably contacted the same office in Ottawa.

So my main theory as to why my application has taken so long has been blown out of the water. If they've assessed my case, asked me for my medicals, received the (apparently satisfactory) results, it means the only things at this point that explain what is going on (or rather the lack of it) is either I am victim of some sort of quota system, or my security check is lagging. I'd be able to confirm that with a printout of my file, but it still hasn't arrived after two months (listed time: 30 working days). I emailed them on Friday. Guess what sort of reply I got.....